Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize