Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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