Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
