There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
