You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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