Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
