I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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