Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize