she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I could fuck to npr.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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