im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
