I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
