I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
