wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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