Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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