So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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