I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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