I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
