Can i not drive my cunt home
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
