Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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