Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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