it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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