I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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