I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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