I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
