her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I want to be your penis for a week.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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