i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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