Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
