My Higher Power is John Stamos
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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