He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
