he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
