the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
