You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize