i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
