My sheets look like a crime scene.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
