i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
