that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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