well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm always down for nudity.
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