you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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