last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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