My sheets look like a crime scene.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
