i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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