just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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