Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
After tacos, we're chasing women.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
