my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
