So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
