I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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