you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
