we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
