So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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