I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
