if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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