k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
