I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
