I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
