Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
