Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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