I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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