I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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