actually, I'm a sock model
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
