Don't make out with my wife yet
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
