my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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